We All Feel Unworthy

One of the most common challenges we face in our culture today is not feeling good enough.

No matter how many successes you have had in the past, it is no longer enough.

No matter how much you got done today, you tell yourself you could have done more.

No matter how much work you have done on yourself, deep down, you still feel like a fraud.

If this resonates with you, trust me when I say that you are not alone.

In fact, I would argue that this lack of self-worth is the most universal story that people tell themselves in our world today.

The feeling can take on many different disguises and embed itself in many different situations.

For example, “imposter syndrome” among high achievers is, at its core, a challenge of self-worth.

(For more on imposter syndrome, you can check out a series I did on the topic here)

If you are having trouble with dating or keep finding yourself in negative relationships, it likely stems, at least in part, from a lack of self-worth.

In her critically acclaimed book Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, PhD, describes these feelings as the “trance of unworthiness,” which she compares to an almost dream-like state:

“When we are in the trance and caught up in our stories and fears about how we might fail, we are in much the same state.  We are living in a waking dream that completely defines and delimits our experience of life.  The rest of the world is merely a backdrop as we struggle to get somewhere.

As in a dream, we take our stories to be the truth - a compelling reality - and they consume most of our attention.

While we eat lunch or drive home from work, while we talk to our partners or read to our children at night, we continue to replay our worries and plans.

Inherent in the trance is the belief that no matter how hard we try, we are always, in some way, falling short.”

So where do these feelings come from?

One point of origin is instinctual.  As human beings, we are social creatures that depend on living together for our survival.  

Consequently, we instinctually fear not being accepted into the larger social group.

As Brach points out, this instinctual fear became a core part of western religious traditions as well.

Regardless of your spiritual leanings now, it is likely that you learned the story of Adam and Eve as a child.

Eve violates a fundamental social norm and is then cast out forever.  Pretty harsh stuff!

Today’s technology feeds into this fear.

Whether its Instagram or LinkedIn or Facebook, social media strikes the same chord.

We look at others posting their achievements or their relationships or even just how they spent a weekend doing something other than sitting inside - and we judge ourselves.

Once again, we are unworthy.

As Brach writes:

“Feeling unworthy goes hand in hand with feeling separate from others, separate from life.  If we are defective, how can we possibly belong?

It’s a vicious cycle: The more deficient we feel, the more separate and vulnerable we feel.

Underneath our fear of being flawed is a more primal fear that something is wrong with life, that something bad is going to happen.

Our reaction to this fear is to feel blame, even hatred, toward whatever we consider the source of the problem: ourselves, others, life itself.

But even when we have directed our aversion outward, deep down we still feel vulnerable.”

So what can you do about it?

This challenge is an important one - and there isn’t any single technique that will address it completely - which is why so much of my coaching focuses on it.

However, here are a few things you can do to get started:

First and most importantly, remember that you are not alone in this feeling - I know I certainly experience it.

Next, recognize that the voice inside your head is a storyteller - but most of the stories of fiction.

If you sit down and write out all of the instances where you were good and achieved something, you will find plenty of evidence to dispute what that voice tells you.

Finally, reach out to someone to reconnect.

It could be a family member or a friend you haven’t actually spoken to in awhile.  Reach out to set up a coffee or a phone/video chat - but make it something that involves life conversation.

And if you’ve got no one to reach out to, then shoot me a note and I’ll chat with you.

Regardless, if these feelings of unworthiness are something you are dealing with, remember that you need to change something in order to achieve a different outcome.

As Byron Katie likes to say, “whatever we are not changing, we are choosing.”

Who is someone you haven’t caught up with in awhile?

Could you reach out to them to chat for 30 mins?

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