Why Do We Avoid Things?

If there was one major common thread that I find with both my clients and people I come across, it is a struggle with avoidance.

In relationships, you avoid sharing thoughts or feelings that you think might make your partner uncomfortable or hurt.

A small habit that irks you.

A thing that they said that actually bothered you.

A broken promise that seems small, but struck a chord.

A fear that you have that you know will trigger an anxiety of theirs.

In the professional world, you might avoid sharing lots of things too.

An idea you had to improve the business, but falls outside of your “lane.”

Feedback for a subordinate that makes you feel like the bad guy.

Asking for a raise you know you deserve, but you don’t want to appear selfish.

Avoidance is an instinctual response we have to avoid the pain of discomfort.

But discomfort is where growth and change occurs.

In fact, we often spend days and weeks and even sometimes years avoiding something that we end up doing anyways!

Unfortunately, the longer you wait - the longer you avoid doing or saying the thing you know you need to - the more challenging and fraught it can become.

Avoiding telling a partner about something they said or did that bothered you - withholding how it made you feel and why - can build up into resentment.

Because, while you’ve been avoiding saying anything, the issue you wanted to raise continues to happen again and again - making what was once a single small thing into a massive pile.

A mountain out of what was once a molehill, if you will ;)

So how do you know when you are avoiding something?

If it isn’t already obvious to you what you might be avoiding, consider asking yourself these 4 questions from executive coach Jerry Colonna:

What am I not saying that needs to be said?

What am I saying that’s not being heard?

What’s being said that I’m not hearing?

And finally, my personal favorite:

How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want?

Notice in that last question that Colonna avoids using the word “responsibility.”  

If you are avoiding something, it does not make you responsible for that thing.

But you do play a role - you are complicit - in the conditions continuing.

So how do you take on something you’ve been avoiding?

If you have been avoiding saying something to someone, I recommend writing it out as a quick role play for yourself so you can think through both your words and their potential responses - which will help you build an understanding of their perspective.

It will feel silly at first, but it will help you find the words when the emotions of the moment hit you.

If you have been avoiding doing something, consider breaking it down until even smaller steps.

If you want to start exercising, start with a walk.

If you want to write a book, start with a sentence.

If you want to fix something around the house, start by laying out the materials you need.

Most of all, remember that the growth or change you are hoping for lies on the other side of those actions.  

Avoidance is the wall you need to walk through.

What have you been avoiding?

What will your life be like after you take action?

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